As a little back story, I went to a high school that offered Mandarin Chinese. So I studied it for four years before this all took place.
So I spent about 8 months in Taiwan back in 2013-2014. At the time I was 17 turning 18. Now Taiwan's "official" language is Mandarin Chinese. However, they used Traditional characters, not Simplified. I had learned Simplified, FOR FOUR YEARS. Also in Taiwan, instead of using pinyin (the phonetic system for Mainland China) they use Zhuyin aka BoPoMoFo. Which is essentially characters used to show how to pronounce other characters.
It looks like this
Meanwhile PinYin looks like this
Little different. They all end up making the same sounds essentially.
Anyways back to the point.
When I was in Taiwan, it was known I had studied Chinese for four years. (Side note, it was also known that I was adopted.) My Chinese was ok at the time and it was enough to get around. However, it seemed like it was expected for me to be perfect in Chinese. Part of this did have to do with learning it for four years but I feel like the other part was because I looked like I should know it.
Here's where things get a little tricky. As time went on my Chinese improved little by little. I wasn't fluent in the sense I can read a medical term paper but I was fluent enough to get around. Order breakfast, use the transportation, have a nice conversation, etc.
After my exchange I went back to Taiwan every summer since. So basically two summers in a row. Here's the thing. I had not had the opportunity to really practice my Chinese since I had left my exchange. So naturally it was getting rusty. The only time I practiced it was on and off with an old friend from high school (who was Chinese).
Here's where things get a little more interesting. This past summer when I was in Taiwan, my Chinese had gotten particularly bad. I hadn't practiced in a long time. I had no time for Chinese school (the nearest one was 1 hr away from my home. I was also working close to 32 hrs a week and going to school.) And tutors were too expensive. (Like $50+ an hour expensive.) I tried studying on my own but I got swamped with life. However, a girl I went on exchange with the first time I was in Taiwan had gone back in January (2016). She was still there by the time I went. (Which was in mid-June). So here's this girl who knew no Chinese before her exchange, from South America, now living in Taiwan again. I was happy for her. Why wouldn't I be? It's great she loved it so much to go back! But I couldn't help feel a pang of jealousy.
I'll admit it, I was jealous. I was jealous of the fact that she got the chance to go live in Taiwan again. I was jealous she got to learn Chinese and have loads of chances to practice. But here's what I was most jealous of, her Chinese was better than mine. And it was shoved in my face the whole time I was there. We hung out for a while when I was there, and every time we went out people would look to me to translate. But when it turned out that SHE translated for ME I got weird looks. I felt like crying. I know it has nothing to do with her but I couldn't help but feel some resentment. It just wasn't fair! This was my language, my culture and I couldn't live up to any of it. Why did I have to bear the weird looks from Taiwanese. I hated it. I hated it so much!
What really rubbed salt into the wound is when a mutual friend said to me, "Her Chinese has gotten so good! She sounds so native! Her tones are excellent!" etc. I just felt so bad about myself because this friend went on saying that I needed to loose my accent. I needed to get better. But how can I get better when I have no chance to practice?
It just wasn't fair to me then. I didn't have the health or the money to move to Taiwan. It just made me angry on the inside. Like why does she get to do this? Why does she care about this country? She spent a year here! It should be me! Was basically the mentality I had the whole time. Which I guess made things worse. Because every time I saw someone praise her for her Chinese skills or how she was "so Taiwanese" I felt angry. It should be me. Was all I could think.
It didn't help that during my time in Taiwan (the first time that is) I didn't fit in very well. Or at least I felt like I didn't. I would get mixed signals about my Chinese. Some would say it's good and others would say it was horrible. Those saying it was horrible also said that if I did get complimented on my Chinese it was probably just out of politeness. Not because they were telling the truth.
Bottom line is, it hurts to be alienated by people who look like you but to accept the ones who don't.
I feel like this is something that has haunted me for a while, even before this trip. I believe getting harassed so much by Chinese people on why I don't speak Chinese is what led me to studying it in High School. (And of course can't forget the non Chinese asking why I don't speak Chinese.) It's what drives my fear of forgetting it. I never want to forget my Chinese because I believe it is the one thing that connects me to my birth country.